The Storm Rages and I am not okay….

For the past four months I have been struggling with the inexplicable. I’ve been thrown into a cyclone of chaos and uncertainty. While I’ve tried to rationalize what has happened and provide some meaning to these life-altering events, I’ve utterly failed. And, now I’m faced with having to accept what is, and remember lovingly what once was.

My uncle suffered a brainstem stroke in November 2020. I rushed him to the hospital, where the doctors assured me that all would be well. His son arrived and I handed the baton of my uncle’s health to him. Soon after, I received a call that my uncle would be transferred to another hospital for emergency surgery. All I know is that a few days later, my uncle was diagnosed with Locked-in Syndrome. A man that had always enjoyed life and reveled in the beauty of living was now relegated to a bed unable to move his four extremities. I was shocked, angry and down right furious at the fragility of the human body. Three months later, he is still in a hospital bed waiting to be transferred to a rehab center in Connecticut. He is a strong man, but I’m scared that he’ll lose his will to fight! I’m scared that he’ll give up (when deep inside I know he can pull through).

My dear cousin passed away from a heart attack in January 2021. He was 36 years old. I am still in shock and absolutely distraught. He was one of the good ones — having recently moved to Florida to start a new life with his children. I honestly just can’t believe that a perfectly healthy individual could cease to exist so suddenly, so inexplicably. He loved life; loved his children; loved his family; loved his cars; loved to help; loved to make others happy; loved to tell jokes and make people smile. He was my favorite and his passing has left me drowning in sorrow. I am his child’s godmother, but I don’t know how I’m going to remain a part of that child’s life.

These events have left me to reflect on my own mortality. I am scared of death because it brings with it a great number of uncertainties. Where do we go? Do we cease to exist? I pray to God and the Virgin Mary every day because I believe in love and goodness. I have faith and hope that something exists on the other side. I know that the universe has mysteries that are not easy to explain, and I believe that we will someday understand them when our spirits are freed from our bodily forms. At least, this is my hope.

I wish I could tell you that all will be well, but I can’t. I can only ask that you keep our family in your prayers.